07 May, 2011

Faith. Learned to believe it somehow I lost it

Disappointed..
That's purely what I'm feeling right now.
I still can't get the fact that somehow I'm always the last one to know anything.
Even if the thing regarding me, so that I thought it was.

Honesty..
That's all that I'm asking.
Is it that tough to ask for that?
Truth hurts but lies worse isn't it?

It's been a year.
I guess that's the period of time we know each other.
I fell hard for you, no lies about it.
I wanted it to be the same. Well, of course I do.
But when it didn't work out at all, I just wished you're the first one to tell me,"Hey, I've moved on."

What's the purpose of China?
Well, it's for me to move on.
However, all I know the thing that I learned there is that so I can control my feelings towards you and not to show them unnecessarily.
Stupid enough, I thought you are there to wait for me.
Instead, well, dream always remains a dream isn't it?

Remember the question I prompted at you before,"Will you wait for me?"
I guess now I know the answer just right.

You know something.
It's not that I'm jealous or whatsoever.
Okay, perhaps I am.
But when you just come clean to me saying,"Hey, I think I've got a thing for K."
or perhaps I'm asking just one of you could just tell me the truth.
This whole thing would be totally different story.
I'll be more than happy as long as you two happy with one another.
Back to reality, what did I get actually?
LIES!
So what happened if I didn't accidentally saw your text on K's phone?
I wouldn't know a single thing till now isn't it?
And yes, I'm the dumbest person in the whole entire world to believe in love.
I'm the dumbest person in the whole wide world to believe that perhaps you're mature enough to have the guts to say the right person,"You are the one." Instead of swimming in the middle of islands.

Come let me write to you what I think of both of you now.

K..
All awhile I know you're desperate for love.
I can see that.
Well, everyone can see that.
You know why no one loves you?
Cause you're too desperate. You're a fucking busy body person.
Tone it down a little bit and you'll be fine.
I dare to speak this right infront of your face but by all means, I don't wish to be the bad guy to break you down completely.
Cause trust me, I can do so.
You know something, I've never felt comfortable talking to you.
I guess no one does. You are always be the one saying,"You can tell me anything. Just tell me. Just tell me."
You're a fucking pusher. You always want to know everyone's problems.
When you can't even settle your own problems.
Take care of yourself first, child before getting into bigger problems.
Hiding behind the innocent face of yours won't bring you any further.
One day, you'll get what you deserved.

By all means, me saying this thing is not for cursing.
Perhaps, I just thought you were better than this.
Yet, even after it was all so obvious, you dared to deny it right infront of my face.
That's so stupid of you.
Let me repeat that if you don't get it.
S.T.U.P.I.D!
Get it?
Well, enough with you.
I'm really tired talking about you actually.
I'm faking it all this while.
I'll never forgive you.
Just not yet cause what you did is way too hurtful, BITCH!

L..
I trusted you more than anyone else in my whole entire life.
I told you every single secret that I've been hiding from people.
Yet, you couldn't even be honest towards me about the thing that regards me?
You know actually people do warn me about you using me.
Do you know what did I say to them?
"You guys are nuts. That's impossible. You guys have no ideas what's going on. I know. I know."
Now, I don't know anything, really.
Who are you actually?
You're not the person I used to talk every single day for the past 1 year.
You're not the person who I fell for so badly.
You're not the person who I cried for countless times.
Who are you?
Did you get so caught up with so many people liking you that you think you can just have fun with every single one of them?
Tell me.
Are you happy now?
Well, if you want to hurt me so badly, you already did it good.
Good job, I shall say.

Yes, I did wish you still have feelings for me.
But after knowing what you are.
I'm pleased that nothing's going on with us.
Irony isn't it?
and contradicting for sure for me to say this.
But I do think so.
Base on one thing, I don't know a single thing about you.
How about the things you told me in the past 1 year, any of it actually true?

Well, as long as you're happy then.
But just know one thing, when you done with all your dilemmas, and you finally come to your senses. Just know that I'm the only one who love you the most.
I guess it's time for me to let you go completely.
No worries. I won't deny it if people ask me.
I know you're part of my life.

Goodbye.
Till the day I wrote this.
I still do love you with all my heart.

Signed,
FDK

24 May, 2010

Who can I trust?

Well, I just got back to Singapore from a hectic weekend in Jakarta.
I flew on Friday and back on Sunday morning.
It was super hectic like seriously.
I went to school on Friday morning and went to airport straight to catch my flight and before that I had managed to spend some quality time with my classmates in order to celebrate Han Wee's birthday.
So yeah, it was pretty awesome.
I don't really know what's going on with my blog nowadays.
This blog is rather just for personal writing I guess.
I should get back seriously on writing real soon; with a new blog link, a new for everything. (:

Life never really gonna be that easy for me I guess.
Just that I thought I could rest for a day to release my exhaustion and restless days, I was shocked with so many things.
Who the hell am I supposed to trust?
Actually I do know whom to trust but for now I decided not to trust anyone.
Perhaps, that's the best decision I would ever make in my whole entire life.
I was so foolish letting it all out by telling to people.
Instead of keeping it, they bloated it out without even think of the consequences that could happen to me?
Pretty happy huh to let everyone knows about what happened to me?
FYI, I don't fucking need anyone to pity me.
I am able to survive on my own like how I used to be.
I was happy enough being myself.
I was more than glad to wake up every single morning doing same damn fucking routine!
Fuck it!
Who the fuck can I trust in this fucking world?
I guess it's true that your worst enemy is your closest friend.
The one who gonna eventually pull the trigger right to your soul after you sacrificed your heart to them.
Fuck those asses.
Well, I don't really holding any grudge on anyone.
I am rather in peace right now.
Thinking of nothing and only how the hell am I supposed to do to get a perfect GPA.
I guess that's the only thing that could redeem my frustration.
And yeah, one more thing.
I've given myself a challenge for 30 days to lose more weight.
Weight is always the most insecure thing in my life I guess.
In total, I've lost more than 20 kgs since the time I moved to Singapore.
But I guess I'm hoping to lose at least another 10 kgs more. :D
Wish me luck.
The count down begin tomorrow.
24/05/2010. :)

I aint' no longer write about my feelings.
I guess feelings should stay as a feeling.
When no one could see it but you can only feel it.
From now onward, I should enjoy my fucking life! :D
No more boundaries.
No more sadness.
Beyond positive.
Most of all, no more hoping. (:
I realized now love is a bullshit.
I used to keep preaching that love exist.
Well, it doesn't.

So suck up bitches and fucking grow up!
No such thing as everlasting love.
I love my family! (:
Even though they might not know and accept it.
They are there through the darkest time.
There's no need to promise.
It's just action.
(:

One more thing.
I'm trying to pursue my one and only dream: singing!
Hope to make it as best as I could.
Wish me luck people! :D
Cao